After experiencing social beatings for many years, I particularly envy a kind of people: they are always calm in the face of criticism.
Even if the leader has a long face and full anger, he can still respond calmly. Being dissed in public by colleagues, he was able to respond calmly and without fear.
What’s amazing is that they don’t turn a deaf ear to criticism, but have a mature processing mechanism that can not only protect themselves from being hurt by criticism, but also identify the valuable parts and help them grow.
Looking back at myself, I will only instinctively feel nervous and at a loss when faced with criticism. More seriously, it may cause secondary harm to oneself, from being criticized to self-criticism, shaking self-esteem.
No one can completely avoid negative voices from the outside world. If we want to become a person with a stable and strong core, it is necessary for us to learn to face criticism calmly and make valuable criticism work for ourselves.
The first step to responding to criticism correctly: Identify those attacks that have no merit
Sometimes when we look back, we realize that not all criticism is fair and valuable. Especially when the criticism comes from pretentious or aggressive people, they will often criticize you for the sake of criticizing you.
Another situation is when others criticize you out of their own position and interests in order to control and suppress you. If we accept all these negative voices as they are, we will only increase the damage and frustration.
So when facing criticism, the first step we need to do is to determine the nature of the criticism, identify those attacks that are unfair and worthless, and then completely ignore them.
They often have the following characteristics:
- Double standards
This situation is very common in the workplace. We used to think that others would evaluate ourselves based on our personal abilities and objective performance, but in fact the other party’s position and interest demands also affect their judgment standards.
If you find that the same mistake is unforgivable if you make it, but it is excusable if it occurs to another person, then don’t doubt that this is an attack on someone and something wrong.
The authenticity and objectivity of this type of criticism are extremely low. It’s not that you really didn’t do well, you just stood on the opposite side of others and couldn’t match their needs.
- Label you because of your one behavior
For example, when you were a child, you were labeled by your teacher as someone who didn’t like to study because you were distracted in class; or after work, you were too busy and forgot to report a small thing, and your boss criticized you for having a problem with your work attitude and bad work habits. good.
Criticisms like this all have a common feature, which is to summarize your single, accidental behavior as a shortcoming. If we believe such evaluations, our self-perception and self-esteem levels will be affected.
- Only blame, no guidance
Think about it, do some criticisms just say something bad about you, but they can’t tell you specifically what’s wrong with you? We don’t need to take this kind of criticism to heart, which only accuses without guidance.
Because it often comes from the subjective feelings of the other party, which is neither under our control nor has any practical direction for correction. If you ask further with an open mind, you will find that the other party cannot give you any criteria for good or bad.
- While denying you, you must also highlight that you are awesome
“Your logic skills are so poor that I would never make such a mistake.”
There is no doubt that the other party makes this kind of push-and-pull criticism mostly for self-satisfaction. People who treat themselves as a hammer look at everyone like a nail. Such criticism is often exaggerated.
It’s okay to feel uncomfortable in the face of criticism, but don’t be led by your emotions.
Even constructive criticism is often harsh and unforgiving, and it’s normal if your first reaction is discomfort or even anger.
But such negative comments are often related to the truth. It is actually a test: can you face the problems of your true self and accept that you are not always perfect as a person.
What helps us get through this test without letting our emotions get the better of us is staying calm.
A calm state can help us receive the other party’s information with awareness, allowing us to always have a clear mind, mobilize our thinking to the greatest extent, see the current situation clearly, and give appropriate responses.
The more we lose our composure and allow ourselves to be overwhelmed by emotions, the harder it will be for us to think rationally, and the resulting behavior will be inconsistent, which will not only lower others’ evaluation of us, but also consume more of us. energy of.
For example, it is unnecessary to apologize vigorously because of embarrassment or guilt. This will not only make the apology look unserious, but also unknowingly exaggerate the seriousness of the matter.
If we fall into self-blame and begin to completely deny ourselves, it will further consume our emotions needlessly and lower our self-esteem level.
Therefore, it is important to stay calm. The calmer we are, the more we can reduce the control that criticism has over us and help us get through emotions to the core of value.
Whenever you receive criticism, practice separating it from yourself
After we can face criticism calmly, the next step is how to absorb the information in the criticism.
It must be admitted that some criticisms are not directed at the individual, but in real life, it is easy for us to take the negative evaluations given by others that are based on facts too seriously, and even regard them as personal criticisms of ourselves.
For example, others point out that your knowledge reserve in a certain area is insufficient, but to you it sounds like they are insinuating that you are shallow; or others think that it is bad for you to blame others when you are anxious, but to you, this sound It may be that you are a person who loves to shirk responsibility.
If we can’t separate factual negative comments from personal comments, every criticism will hurt us.
Furthermore, even if your personality, emotions, etc. are negatively evaluated, it is not personal. For example, adjectives like “proud” and “jealous” only evaluate one aspect of you, rather than judging “you” as a complete person.
Don’t extend other people’s criticism of one thing to criticism of your own nature. We must learn to ignore such voices, let alone allow ourselves to attack ourselves in this way.
Therefore, when faced with criticism we should practice taking it as it is and understanding it more easily. At the same time, try to distinguish the “suggestion” part of the negative review instead of focusing on the other person’s tone and intonation.
If you still find it difficult to do it, think of it this way. Even if the other person sincerely offers valuable criticism, his or her perspective is limited. If we have it, we can correct it and if we don’t, we can encourage it. We don’t have to take it as the truth.
Through such practice, you will slowly feel that you have become stronger in the face of criticism and have the ability to deal with it calmly.
Let the criticism work for you further, but also turn the page as soon as possible
As you become more and more capable of handling criticism calmly, you may find that there are people around you who truly provide you with objective and valuable opinions.
After a few days or weeks have passed, it’s not a bad idea to go back and discuss your feelings and changes with them.
In this process, you can better understand yourself through the other person’s perspective and make effective corrections to your own shortcomings. At the same time, you may also clarify some misunderstandings and misunderstandings by the other party, thereby enhancing mutual understanding and feelings.
However, we must not hold on to our problems too much and frequently find different people to discuss and review our problems.
In particular, when these negative comments are something you are not aware of at ordinary times, but they touch upon your deep behavioral habits and personality, it is difficult for you to change.
The best thing to do is to give yourself some time to face and accept the fact that everyone has flaws and limitations. These will also help you have a deeper understanding of yourself. You may be able to try to change or accept yourself in the future, and just avoid these difficult-to-change behavioral habits when necessary.
In short, remember: No matter the mistakes or shortcomings you have made, or some of your behavioral habits and personality, they do not equal you. You are more than that.
