“Attachment theory” is a frequently discussed topic in psychology. Many readers have also learned about their own attachments through various articles or scale tests. For example, safe type, anxious type, avoidant type, etc. (Read the original text to enter the assessment).
Psychology never defines a person by attachment type. However, many people use specific attachment patterns to apply to their various emotions or behaviors, and even label themselves.
Among the four common attachment types (security, anxiety, avoidance, and disorder), anxious-ambivalent is one that has attracted more attention.
Since “anxiety” itself is a very strong emotional state, it can evoke many complex and negative feelings in people, including physical and emotional aspects:
Body:
Rapid heartbeat
dizzy
Shortness of breath
Sweating and shaking
emotion:
Nervous/fearful
shy/low self-esteem
disgust/avoidance
sadness/guilt
Another common feature of anxiety is that it is easy to worry about things that have not happened yet (or may not even happen).
But anxious people always think about problems from their own specific perspective. Images or answers that make me anxious play out in my mind again and again.
If anxiety is still a common emotion, then anxious and attached people will rely on these emotions to unconsciously create “emotional blackmail” on people around them, that is, use anxiety to choose a wrong social model.
For example: questioning that the other person doesn’t love you at all, doubting the other person’s motives, etc.
Sense of security and plum blossom piles
There is a sentence that sums it up well:
“Attachment is the process in which one’s needs are seen and supported, thereby gaining a sense of security in the process.”
As we all know, babies seek the most basic guarantee of life by attaching themselves to their parents. Children build their own understanding of interpersonal relationships through interactions with their parents, and eventually develop their own attachment patterns and ways of interacting with society.
Therefore, anxious attachment is nothing more than people not receiving enough positive support during their growth, and thus developing a set of negative attachment strategies in adulthood, hoping to satisfy their sense of security. This process can be compared with a “plum blossom pile”.
Events, interpersonal interactions, and intimate relationships in life are like the plum blossom piles in martial arts novels—maybe not that difficult.
However, if someone has held your hand since you were young, walked over one by one, encouraged you, comforted you, and told them that it is not so scary. When you reach adulthood, you will naturally walk with ease.
But if you put a person on the plum blossom pile directly from a young age, you don’t support or guide her, or even push her down.
Then what this person feels is helplessness, betrayal, and betrayal. When I grow up, I naturally walk with fear at every step.
But everyone will have a time to face the future alone. It is precisely because we know there is a future and want to control the future, but do not know how to control it, that we have anxiety.
Cognitive model of anxious attachment
People’s emotional reactions and subsequent behaviors are produced through a series of cognitive processes. The most critical of these are three steps:
【1】Core belief
Your most core thoughts. However, the core beliefs of anxious attachment are often negative, such as: “Others definitely don’t believe me”, “I’m not as good as others”, “I feel everyone wants to hurt me”…
【2】Media belief
Attitudes, rules and predictions when facing some things and relationships. For example: “I must get a satisfactory answer from the other party’s mouth”, “The other party should let me/understand me”…
【3】Automatic thinking
The above two points will cause a person to have an automated thinking mode, and the three together constitute a personal cognitive mode.
At this time, when an external event occurs, such as a word from the other party or a look from a partner, it will immediately trigger automatic thinking. With the role of “core beliefs” and “media beliefs”, a person’s emotions and behaviors will Then it was born.
Use mindfulness to relieve your anxiety
When hearing the word “mindfulness”, many people may start to feel daunted again. It seems that some people are trying to drag themselves into meditation, yoga or Zen practice.
We are not going to delve into mindfulness here. In turn, we need to look at what kind of state people are in in their daily lives.
In 2010, Harvard University invited 2,250 adults to record their daily thoughts and actions in a designed app.
The results show that the human brain spends 47% of the day wandering! And this kind of fugue often triggers a person’s unpleasant emotions.
Perhaps the vast majority of people – especially those with anxious attachments – do not necessarily have the time or inclination to complete a professional mindfulness experience, but at least people can learn to “focus” themselves in life and minimize wandering. time.
So, what details can you start to focus on and care about your body and inner experience?
■ When you pick up a cup of coffee, do you drink it in a hurry, sigh, and start the day’s work? Please try to feel the temperature of the coffee with the tip of your tongue, and the bitter aroma of the coffee with the back of your tongue.
■ When you walk into a crowd, are you overwhelmed by the crowds of people? Please slow down, take each step steadily, and feel the touch of the soles of your feet on the ground. You are not any later than those who run.
■ When your child starts crying loudly, what are your psychological activities? Feeling frustrated? Or are you worried about the accusations from people around you? Pause for a moment, don’t do anything yet, pat your heart, “see” your emotions clearly, and think clearly about your needs. Can a child’s cry really destroy you completely? In fact, you still have the ability to control your behavior.
■ When you are rejected, denied, misunderstood…touch your own hands and feel the existence of “yourself”. In fact, you are still a complete you. The evaluation of the outside world cannot define you. As long as you can feel your own determination, what you are facing is just an occasional thunderstorm.
Empirical research shows that mindfulness meditation can activate neuronal connections in some areas of the human brain. These include brain areas for empathy, cognition, blood pressure, higher-order thinking and behavioral regulation, among others. When these areas are connected, people’s cognition, emotion, behavior and physiological responses can be coordinated to a great extent.
Finally, I would like to share with you the famous “raisin exercise” in mindfulness exercises:
raisin exercise
- Hold the raisin in your hand and focus on it as if you were seeing it for the first time.
- Feel the texture of the raisin, turn it over with your fingers, pay attention to its color, texture, and even close your eyes to recall what it looks like.
- Smell the raisins, inhale its scent and aroma, and notice if it triggers any sensations in your mouth or stomach.
- Slowly place the raisins to your lips and tongue, taking a moment to explore the sensations in your mouth.
- When ready, chew and taste the raisins intentionally, noting further changes in flavor or texture.
- Then, swallow the raisins, paying careful attention to your body movements as you swallow them.
- Finally, after completing this mindful eating exercise, sense and appreciate how your body feels.
The key point of mindfulness practice is: it does not need to be “deliberate”, but it needs to be “careful”.
You don’t need to set aside a specific time in the day to taste raisins, but the next moment you read this sentence, please feel whether your body is warm? Are your shoulders relaxed? Is your partner’s body scent still on your clothes? Do you still remember to love yourself in your heart?
